And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
