I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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