Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
