Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
