The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
