How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
This is the high leading the old right now
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
