Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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