So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
