this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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