Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
