Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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