Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
honey bunches of taint.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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