why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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