we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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