I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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