I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
