Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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