I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
