Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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