we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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