I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
