toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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