dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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