I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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