If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
