i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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