If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
