we have pet lesbian snakes
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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