She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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