Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I feel like death gave me a hand job
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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