Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
