A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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