NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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