maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
