All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
