Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
