Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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