If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
