I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
