i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
