OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
