final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
