My friends, they love my intelligence
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
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