Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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