ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
