dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
