mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
