There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
