just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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