So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
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He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
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Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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