I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I want her autograph on my taint
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
