Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
