No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
