shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
