Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
