You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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