I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
