Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
