we're chasing vodka with high fives
this boner is exhausting
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
